Dry January, ADHD and the Relationship You're Trying to Save

Dear Near Dear Readers,

Dry January is about becoming more aware of yourself by temporarily removing things that might be blocking that clarity—in this case, substances or habits you enjoy but aren’t always sure are just “for fun” versus something you quietly rely on. It’s a month to test the waters: Do I need this to feel okay, or is it filling a gap I haven’t fully named?

Many people use this time to gently confront the small ways we justify patterns that interfere with relationships, work, or self-trust—even when a deeper part of

us has always known. Dry January is well known, so if you participated (or even just followed along), you may have noticed something important: when substances quiet down, underlying patterns speak up louder. With fewer cultural expectations and more reflective space, it offers a second, quieter invitation to notice those patterns again.

For women with ADHD, this matters deeply—especially in relationships.

ADHD, Dopamine, and the Pull Toward Relief

ADHD nervous systems are wired differently. Research consistently shows lower baseline dopamine activity in key brain regions involved in executive functioning and reward processing, including the prefrontal cortex and mesolimbic pathways (The mesolimbic pathway, or "reward pathway," is a dopaminergic neural circuit connecting the ventral tegmental area (VTA) in the midbrain to the nucleus accumbens, amygdala, and hippocampus.)

It mediates motivation, pleasure, and reinforcement learning for natural rewards (food, sex) and is the primary site of action for addictive drugs, which increase dopamine release, driving drug-seeking behavior and compulsion.  This impacts focus, impulse control, emotional regulation, and motivation, creating a constant drive for intensity, novelty, or quick relief just to feel balanced (Barkley, 2015; Volkow et al., 2009).

Substances can become an efficient shortcut. Alcohol or cannabis may temporarily boost dopamine, quiet racing thoughts, soften emotional overwhelm, or dull rejection sensitivity. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)—an intense and often overwhelming emotional pain triggered by perceived criticism or rejection—is especially common in ADHD and can make interpersonal moments feel unbearable. Substances offer fast relief from that sting, helping someone feel more relaxed, “fun,” or connected in social or romantic settings.

In relationships, these shortcuts often appear subtly:

• Drinking to unwind and feel more present or playful with a partner

• Using substances to tolerate conflict rather than addressing it directly

• Numbing loneliness or anxiety instead of voicing needs

• Escaping discomfort to stay “okay” in the moment

Over time, this can create distance—not because you don’t care, but because emotional regulation is happening around the relationship instead of within it.

Why Dry January Can Feel Uncomfortable—and Revealing

When these supports are removed, ADHD brains often don’t just experience cravings; they face amplified symptoms due to the loss of an external dopamine source. You may notice:

• Heightened emotional intensity or mood swings

• Increased irritability, restlessness, or racing thoughts

• Sharper sensitivity to tone, silence, or perceived rejection (RSD can feel especially raw)

• Clearer awareness of relational dissatisfaction or unmet needs

This can feel destabilizing—especially if substances were quietly holding things together. But the discomfort isn’t failure. It’s data. Dry January doesn’t cause relationship problems; it reveals where regulation, communication, and self-trust may need more intentional support.

Studies on Dry January participants show that even short breaks from alcohol are associated with improved mood, reduced anxiety, better sleep, and increased mental clarity—often within weeks (University of Sussex, 2019). For ADHD nervous systems, this clarity can bring long-standing relational and emotional patterns into sharper focus.

Reliance Isn’t Always Dramatic—Sometimes It’s About Survival

Many high-achieving women with ADHD don’t identify their patterns as “addiction” because they function well externally. Yet research consistently shows that individuals with ADHD are at significantly higher risk for substance use disorders—often two to three times higher than the general population—frequently using substances to self-medicate core symptoms such as emotional dysregulation, inattention, hyperactivity, or RSD (Lee et al., 2011; Wilens & Morrison, 2011).

In women especially, this reliance can look relational and functional rather than chaotic or destructive.

If something consistently:

• Manages your emotions for you

• Keeps you from speaking honestly

• Helps you tolerate situations that feel off

• Prevents you from being fully present

…it’s worth gentle attention. Not with shame—with curiosity.

A Different Intention for Dry January

Dry January doesn’t have to mean giving up all comfort or dopamine sources—that’s rarely sustainable for ADHD nervous systems. Instead, it can be an invitation to ask:

• What happens in my relationships when I’m clearer-headed?

• Where do I feel closer—and where do I feel more exposed or raw?

• What emotions surface when I can’t numb them away?

• What do I actually need that I’ve been outsourcing to substances or habits?

Clarity isn’t about perfection. It’s about reclaiming choice.

Moving Forward

If Dry January is stirring discomfort in your relationship—or illuminating patterns you don’t yet know how to shift—that’s not a signal to push harder or return to numbing. It’s an invitation to get support.

Therapy that integrates ADHD neuroscience, nervous system regulation, relational dynamics, and somatic awareness can help you understand why these patterns developed and how to build sustainable ways to feel regulated and connected—without outsourcing it.

My hope is that this season gives you information, not pressure.Insight, not judgment.And a clearer sense of what actually supports the love and life you want to build.

Reach Out...

If this is resonating and you’d like a safe space to explore these patterns in your relationship—or simply understand your ADHD brain more deeply—I’m here. As a Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in neurodivergent women, ADHD, emotional regulation, and relational dynamics, I’d be honored to support you.

Book a free 15-minute consultation —no pressure, just a conversation to see if it feels like a fit.

You deserve clarity and compassion.

Please give me a call at 510 269 4808